As we age and grow in Christlikeness, we learn which hurts are worth discussing and which are best ignored. We ask God for wisdom to learn what to do. James 1:5 (CSB), “if any of you lacks wisdom, he should ask God  —  who gives to all generously and ungrudgingly  —  and it will be given to him.” 

God’s wisdom is “first pure, then peaceable, gentle, easy to be entreated, full of mercy and good fruits, without partiality and without hypocrisy,” James 3:17. Therefore, when the matter needs to be talked about, we come to each other humbly and gently. We prepare our hearts to learn how we have hurt our spouse; we sincerely apologize. We try to make amends. But learning how to discuss problems with wisdom is very hard work. It takes a life-time to learn! 

Ephesians 4:26 (NLT) gives us a good time goal: “ ‘don’t sin by letting anger control you.’ Don’t let the sun go down while you are still angry.” If possible, we try to make up before the day ends and we go to bed. 

Sometimes it’s a good idea to talk to older, happily-married Christians. Let each spouse talk privately to these wise people. Explain your problems and ask for advice. Ask how they have learned to resolve differences. A good Christian mentor can offer suggestions which have worked for them! 

Remember: God will certainly help you. Suffering develops our characters, and even our Lord Jesus learned from His painful experiences. Hebrews 5:8 (NLT), “…though Jesus was God’s Son, he learned obedience from the things he suffered.” We cannot escape suffering in this present sinful world. Therefore, turn to God to receive comfort and wisdom during your painful experiences. He cares!